So after a couple months of thinking and battling going home or not going home, finally i bought the ticket home on July 12 , 2011. but i will be going home for three weeks only.
I am excited to go home to see my parents, see grandma, see friends. and i am excited to see what God has prepared for me in this summer.
I am about to move into the apartment tomorrow. Adriana has been pretty cranky lately. and the whole housing situation has been driving me crazy. i dont know, my heart has been in the turmoil lately and deep inside my heart i always have this yearning and desire to be close to someone who will be there understanding what i am trying to say or think .
I am now listening to Strings by Misty Edwards. this song has always been stirring my heart and dig to the deepest area of my heart core. Everytime when i run up to the horsebarn hill, laying down over there. my heart has thousands of thoughts. i have peace yet uncertainty within me. sometimes i just cry out to God: Now what God? what's the deal? what's the purpose of my life? why?
sometimes i like my life but sometimes i really hate it. I am not satisfy with my present knowledge of God. I feel like I do not know enough people. I feel like God does not treasure me as much as others. Why am I chinese? Why am I not european, americans whom they have advantage over many things and their culture can enjoy life? ]
What is God's favor? i do not understand. Why some people were born with high social status, good family background, endless money while some were born with birth defects, low income family? I need to encounter you God. I want more of you. i need you. shout it out to me. you are an audible voice? a still voice? i dont know. Sometimes you frustrate me God. Who are you? your multi-identity frustrates and confuses me. So you are my friend, my savior, my king, what's the deal? there is an interrole conflict!!!
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